This week in counseling a few of my clients needed reminding they are not the total sum of what they have done or what has happened to them. In fact, the real you is what is left after you strip away your experiences. If we do not, we view our self-worth through the lens of shame.

The lens of shame limits our self-worth to be no greater than our worst shame. Many of us are not proud of what we have been through. When we use shame to define ourselves, we always undervalue our self-worth.
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The human condition is such that we usually see only ourselves through the lens of shame. We do not value the worth of our friends, or even our pets, in terms of their experiences. We take them at face value apart from what they have been through. We should step back and apply to ourselves the same criteria that we use to determine the worth of others.

​https://youtu.be/mbmAVNaGL3k

This week in counseling I have had a rash of clients who have become disenchanted about who their partners have become after first love. It reminds me of buyer’s remorse. We create a relationship with something, and then regret it.

Marriage can be like that. If we don’t put our best foot forward, we run the risk of not falling in love. The downside to being in love is that we stop being the people we really are. The real us doesn’t come around again until after the wedding, and then comes buyer’s remorse.
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This Valentine’s Day make a commitment to preventing your spouse from having buyer’s remorse. Instead, do something that will make your spouse glad they married you and don’t give buyer’s remorse a foothold. 

A couple came in for therapy this week. She said the problem is that he never comes home for week—night dinner. He denied that. Rather, he said the problem was communication. They both have a point. The real problem is that the couple cannot communicate about his not coming home for dinner.
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Arguments often arise when we communicate passionately about a certain subject. The subject triggers aggression which stymies communication. So, the wife wants to talk to her husband about his dinner attendance, but he doesn't want to. When his wife brings up the subject, he gets heated, she gets heated, an argument starts, and a fight ensues.
 
What’s a couple to do? Most arguments are a timing issue. If both of you are discussing a sensitive subject and one of you becomes unpleasant or unsafe, call a time-out and wait until cooler heads prevail to reengage. No sensitive subject will become a win for both of you while one or both of you are over emotional. The more rational person should suggest a better time to resume the conversation when both of you have on your adult hats. That is the time least likely to cause an argument.

​FORGIVENESS
 
Something that has come up a few times in therapy this week is the need to put the past behind us. Dwelling on the hurt of the past is one sure way to bring our bad past into our good present. Forgiveness is a good way to leave the past behind. Some clients identify with the fact that they must wipe the slate clean in order to start over. My sister-in-law, Marilyn, asked me just today, "How did you stay married for 43 years?" It did not take long to answer, "We just keep forgiving each other!"
 
On the other hand, resentment or unforgiveness hurts relationships as well as the resentful person. Someone once said, "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting your spouse to die." It is a self-inflicted wound.
 
Forgiveness is not about forgetting with your mind, it is about forgetting with your heart, i.e., not treating someone as if they hurt you. If you must treat your spouse like he or she has hurt you, then you have not forgiven.
 
Why not give forgiveness a try, today?

You can tell how healthy your marriage is by asking, "How well does my marital relationship illustrate the four "C"s?" They are:

Commitment
Caring
Conflict resolution
Communication

Your marriage is only as well as it exemplifies these four areas. If you are not sure, ask your spouse. It may help to rate each area on a scale of 1 to 5 and then ask, "How can we get these numbers higher?"

I was seeing this couple once when the husband said, "Our marriage is over. I just can't forgive her anymore." I thought that was pretty intellectually honest. He understood that there is no way a marriage can survive without the element of forgiveness. He was unable to forgive and the marriage was doomed. Learning to forgive is a great way to save a marriage from certain divorce. Wouldn't it be worth saving your marriage if all it meant was to learn how to forgive? 

At first, I thought Dr. Sandra Wilson's editor made a mistake-- the title of her book is "Hurt People Hurt People." It wasn't long before I figured it out: Hurt people can't help going around and hurting other people. Specifically, her book is about being hurt by the hurt people in your family. The idea is that, if get close enough to a hurt person, it is just a matter of time before that hurt person hurts you.

But, what are you going to do, you have to be around people that you love? According to Wilson the trick is to only stay far enough away from a hurt person to prevent them from hurting you.
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Knowing where the boundary is between too close and too far can make the difference between a relationship that hurts and one that doesn't. Are there hurting people in your life that you need to establish boundaries with?