Revive The Flame - Blog

EMOTIONAL MATURITY

8/1/2020

There are many definitions for emotional maturity, but they boil down to the ability to understand and manage your emotions. It would make sense, if emotional maturity is a key predictor of marriage satisfaction, to assess people who are unsatisfied with their marriages for emotional maturity.

Emotion is at the heart of emotional maturity. If I can understand what I am feeling, then I can learn to manage what I am feeling. Rarely is this emotion a surface emotion. Surface emotions are the ones that don't answer the question, "What is it about this that upsets me?" Anger, frustration, and resentment are surface, or secondary, emotions. In other words they are the forward facing feelings behind which a primary emotion lies. After we get past the secondary emotion, we can zoom-in on the primary emotion and manage that. Primary emotions are things like envy, jealousy, and shame.

Here is an example. A husband says to me, "I am very frustrated (secondary emotion) with my wife."

"What is wrong?"

"She keeps judging our daughter for mistakes she has made in her life."

"How does that frustrate you?"

"Because I want to protect my daughter and I can't."

"Let's assume that your wife is not the problem, but that there is something going on inside of you that spilling over into your relationship. Are you ashamed (a primary emotion) of your wife?"

"No, if anything I am ashamed of myself."

"How did you get there?"

"When my wife does that, it is a reflection on me that after all the years of marriage I haven't been able to keep her from doing that. When it comes to changing her, I have failed."

"Do you really think it is your job to change your wife? God and us are the only ones who can change us. I think if you were to stop playing God, you will be relieved of the duty and sense of failure for what your wife does and therefore mitigate the shame because what she does will no longer reflect on you."

If this husband can track this trail of thinking, he will be better able to understand how he feels, manage how he feels, become more emotionally mature, and find greater satisfaction in his marriage.

Could it be that what is going on between you and your spouse is actually what is going on inside of each of you?

EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY

7/28/2020

In the July 27, 2020 issue of People magazine Melody Chiu writes that Jada Pinkett Smith helped save her marriage to Will Smith

By confronting her "emotional immaturity" during their
separation (p. 41)

Emotional immaturity has two components, understanding your emotions and managing those emotions. Emotionally immature people cannot reap the benefits of marriage as well as the emotionally mature can. Emotional immaturity accounts for why some couples divorce and some don't.

If you are not getting everything out of your marriage that you would like, take a lesson from Jada and conduct an emotional maturity check-up.

Pretty Woman

7/28/2020

In Gary Marshall's 1990 film, "Pretty Woman," Richard Gere plays a business tycoon who announces after years of therapy he can finally say, "I am angry with my father." It may not seem like a big breakthrough, but we are all better off knowing how we feel. It can be very liberating. Knowing how we feel can sow the seeds of change in us. https://youtu.be/2EBAVoN8L_U

WHAT MAKES PEOPLE CHANGE?

7/19/2020

WHY DO PEOPLE CHANGE?

Last week Dr. Oz told his radio audience that one of the most important things he learned form Oprah was that people don't change because of what they know, they change because of how they feel. Do you recall that last time you changed because of how you felt?

FIVE QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER BEFORE THERAPY

7/15/2020

You may want to give these five areas some thought before attempting to contact a therapist.

1. What do I want to get out of therapy?

2. What is preventing me from reaching my goals?

3. How urgent is therapy for me at this time?

4. How willing am I to change?

5. How can I tell if a therapist is a good fit for me?

Consider these questions before making the call, and you will be ahead of the game.

"SMILE GOING UNDER"

7/13/2020

The first riveting bumper sticker I ever say was on the back of a semi truck trailer. It read, "If You Can't Stop, Smile Going Under." I have been a connoisseur of bumper stickers ever since. What is the funniest bumper sticker you ever saw?

"STOP IT!"

7/11/2020

2020 marks 15 years that I have been doing marriage counseling. Bob Newhart's skit is a reminder how easy it is to do therapy wrongly. https://youtu.be/Ow0lr63y4Mw

DEFUNDING THE POLICE

7/9/2020

Back in the olden days, they used to defund the police-- that is made patrols not worth the police department's while-- in communities by obeying the law. I wonder if that would still work today.

"NEW" COVID-19 CASES

7/7/2020

Here in Florida we have unprecedented numbers of people waiting in long lines for hours to get checked for COVID-19. Is it any wonder there are so many "new" cases of COVID-19? But, just because I was infected without symptoms three months ago and I finally get to the front of the test line, doesn't mean my case is "new." If we want the number of "new" cases to go down, maybe we should just try not getting tested, if we don't have the symptoms.

BLACK LIVES MATTER

7/6/2020

Until Chicagoans get the message that black lives matter, for now, perhaps they should go with "Black Children's Lives Matter."